エピソードIIIを待ち Waiting For Episode III

Well, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith is out, and the circle of George Lucas' grand mythical saga is complete. The Star Wars franchise holds a special place in many people's hearts, and as such has the potential to bring all kinds of geeks out of the woodwork for this once-in-a-lifetime event. As you all know, the premiere of Episode III was Thursday, May 19, but there were people camping out in front of Dole Cannery theater much earlier than that.

I decided to seek out my felllow geeks and see just how many people were camping, as well as what they were doing to bide the time. I arrived at the scene at around 11:30 pm, around 24 hours before the midnight premiere of the movie.

Earlier, I had passed by Ward theater and didn't see anyone camping out in front of the theater. For those of you who don't know, Ward theater is the most recently constructed theater in Oahu, and it is one of the nicest (and most expensive) on the island. Dole Cannery theater is the second newest theater, and also boasts an exceptional movie experience. Ward theater is in an area that is next to Ala Moana, and as such, it is surrounded by many trendy shopping areas, restaurants, and clubs. Dole Cannery, however, is closer to downtown and Chinatown, and the area immediately surrounding the theater is limited to industrial, ghetto, trash.

Now, the question I ask is, with whom would a brave band of geeks rather engage late at night? Well, let's compare the two very different forms of adversaries one might randomly enocunter while in each area.

WARD: As noted earlier, this area has a fairly active night life, and most of the creatures (whom I shall refer to as "Wardians") wandering around late in the evening are probably on some kind of arcane ritual known as a "date". This "date" is both frightening and intimidating to geeks. The Wardians' appearance is enhanced with fashionable clothes. They have finely groomed hair and a pleasant odor. In addition, the Wardians are usually accompanied by a kind of pet known as a "girl". Fearsome entities, a "girl" feeds off of "money" and "compliments" and appears to gain power like a leech by sucking the very life-force of its Waridan master. It has been well-documented that "girls" who have formed an extremely parasitic bond with their Wardian host eventually siphon off most of his life-energy, leaving a cold, hollow husk of a man who somehow has an affinity for shoe shopping and flower arrangement. It is unknown whether this pet is magically summoned or captured in the wild, but it is certain that they must emanate some kind of debilitating aura, as a geek's ability to speak and function properly is heavily diminished when in the presence of these frightening beings.

DOLE: The fauna surrounding Dole Cannery is quite scary indeed. They consist of bums, hobos, prostitutes, and various transients, roaming the streets for souls to eat. Many of the dangers these Doleians present are biological and chemical in nature for they have powerful passive attributes such as "herpes", "syphillis", and "crack-head". Unlike the Wardians, Doleians emanate a foul stech that could potentially slay even the most steadfast warrior.

Of course, the answer is simple. The geeks are much better equiped to battle the Doleians if need be. If bum rushed by a hoard of hobos, the geeks could quickly dispatch them with their +1 toy lightsabers and Red Bull powerups. The flashing colors and stange buzzing sounds are a great deterrent for tranny whores looking to steal something to pawn for crystal meth cash. However, these powerful weapons are no match for the cool and popular denizens of Ward. While it is true that the +1 toy lightsaber does give a 25% bonus to attack and +7 to evade, it also has a whopping -100 to self esteem, -75 to sex appeal, and an amazing -99% chance of being prom king. Accordingly, even though other legendary equipment sets like the Darth Vader Helmet of Cruelty plus the matching Stained Darth Vader Underwear of Purity may have resistences to attacks such as "bad breath" and "druken hobo scream", they are quite weak to the special attacks "noogie" and "atomic wedgie". Thus, the ultimate weakness of the "geek" job class is observed: humiliation by one's peers.

I also made a short clip documenting the Star Wars geeks as they roamed among their makeshift camp. You can see it here: www.ourmedia.org If you click on that link, the video will stream while embedded in your browser. If that method is fairly choppy and unwatchable, you are probably better off saving the video directly to your hard drive by accessing the direct link.
Direct link here (right-click, save as)