"Joelogon's Foolproof Guide to Making Any Woman Your Platonic Friend"

Joel has a guide on how to nurture and care for (i.e. achieve restraining-order-worthy obsessive behavior towards) the creature we men come know and love as the platonic friend-who-just-so-happens-to-be-a-girl. Check it out here.

Individual mileage may vary as interpretations of that essay's actual perceived hilarity is strongly dependent upon how much of the content dredges up real memories of humiliation and degradation at the hands of various women.

Personally, my reactions to the piece were equally divided between fits of laughter and uncontrollable weeping. I have seen this phenomenon among my fellow dorks many a time; it seems that we are quite prone to get caught up in the dreaded platonic circle of sexual frustration and doom.

As such, I feel it is my duty to travel the world, making all sorts of women fall in love with me only to reject their futile attempts and give them a taste of their own cruel medicine. On behalf of geeks everywhere, I will extract a vengeance more inappropriate than Miss Havisham remarking to Pip, "You know, son, every time you stare at Estalla, I can't help but notice your most obvious boner".

But seriously, though, I don't think I could do that. I like girls. They are essential to the survival of the human race. Besides, the results of scaring off all the chicks is just ending up with one big sausage party. No one likes a sausage party.

Edit: Note to all those who don't know who Miss Havisham is - Do yourself a favor and go read a book.